Not many feelings are worse than being scared to do something you know you need to do. Nine years ago, a few conversation starters could have helped me overcome a fear that impacted my life significantly.
Who could have guessed?
Before graduating college, I wanted to nail down an internship with Sempra Energy. I got through all three of their tough interviews and was practically a shoe-in.
But we had to attend a social event so the finance group could meet and approve of the new interns. Even the CFO was there.
When one of my interviewers told me to make sure I talk to the CFO, my heart sank. I had no idea how I would start a good conversation with him. I couldn’t think of a single icebreaker.
I kept imagining myself going up to him, saying hi, and receiving a look that practically says, “What the hell do you want, kid?”
Well, I never went up to him. I just didn’t know what to say. Even though I thought I’d be fine once we started talking, I was just too scared to get a conversation started.
It’s too bad because I didn’t get the internship either. I can’t say that going up to him would have guaranteed me a job (I was the only one not wearing a suit jacket – but that’s a story for another day), but I can definitely say that it hurt my chances.
Now, think about all the opportunities that people drop every day because they are too scared to try something. Maybe you miss out on landing your dream job. Maybe you never befriend that girl in front of you in the ice cream line.
We’ll never know how things would have turned out. But, as Wayne Gretzky said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Conversation Starters Can Be Simple
When we think of talking to a stranger at an event, we usually want to have the perfect thing to say. We want them to be interested in us immediately.
But you don’t need to be anywhere close to perfect to start small talk. You just need to get you and another person talking. As long as the other person is interested in responding to you and hearing you respond back, you’re good to go.
Seven years ago, I was at a stranger’s barbecue where I knew exactly one person. He was off mingling somewhere, so I walked up to a group of strangers and said, “Hey guys, I’m Rob.”
We started talking, got to know each other a bit, and exchanged contact info. Three of those people became best friends of mine. Had I never spoken to that group, I have no idea what my life would look like now.
Notice how I started that conversation though: “Hey guys, I’m Rob.”
That’s it. It wasn’t anything crazy. I didn’t fascinate them with my incredible knowledge. And that’s all I needed to do.
A conversation starter alone won’t make you new friends or win over that impressive coworker in the elevator. But it opens the door to that opportunity.
Imagine if I had known how easily I could have started a conversation with the CFO of Sempra? I may have actually gotten that internship.
So, how can great conversations change your life?
Maybe 20 years from now you’ll look back and think, “Wow, had I not started that fun conversation with Jessica, I wouldn’t have had her as my amazing best friend this entire time.”
Maybe your coworker Mike helped your career immensely by mentoring you and connecting you with other high-level employees. Then you realize you only developed a relationship with Mike because you went up and started a conversation with him and the company picnic.
Who knows? No one can predict the future. But I do know this: You can either wait for life to happen to you, hoping the right people try to build relationships with you. Or, you proactively meet new people, giving yourself abundant opportunities for meeting the people you want to have in your life.
To help you get started, I’m going to give you three conversation starters that you can use at any event, whether it’s social or professional.
3 Easy to Use Conversation Starters
Before we get into them, I want to make it clear that these alone won’t build you amazing relationships. You can’t just say the words and poof, everything goes your way.
You still need to have good, positive energy. You’ll want to have open and confident body language. And you’ll need to be able to keep the conversation going after you start it.
That being said, if you don’t ever start the conversation, you won’t even have a chance. So let’s break down three easy conversation starters that you can use at any event.
1. The Basic Introduction
The basic introduction is exactly what it sounds like. You just say, “Hi, I’m Rob.” You also want to extend your hand for a handshake.
If you remember from above, this is how I introduced myself to the group of strangers who ended up becoming great friends of mine.
This works because most people at social or professional events are expecting to meet strangers. Whether they are networking or partying, talking to people they don’t know is a common practice.
Some people don’t like this conversation starter because they are nervous that the other person will wonder why they are talking to them. I have two responses to this.
First, have an out. Maybe they do say something rude like, “Ok, why should I care?” or even just, “So what?” Although this should rarely happen, just tell them, “I’m here to meet and talk to new people, so I was just saying hi.”
From there, they will either open up or tell you they’re not interested. If they’re not interested, just tell them you can respect that and that it was nice to meet them, then walk away.
The key takeaway? It’s not a big deal if they aren’t interested. Just move on.
Second, to prevent this from happening in the first place, don’t let it look like you put in a lot of effort to talk to this specific person. This is a problem some men have when hitting on women.
They see a pretty girl on the other side of the room, so they walk all the way over and say something to her. But she saw him walking over from a distance, so she’s assuming that he only came to talk to her because of her looks, which means that he’s there hitting on her. So she immediately puts her guard up when he says hi.
Don’t give people this reason to question why you’re talking to them. The best thing to do is talk to the people around you. Go to the areas where people are hanging out, like by the bar, in their seats, or wherever, then strike up a conversation with the person next to you.
2. The Contextual Question or Statement
If you want some great conversation questions and statements, the answers are right around you.
Make them contextual by asking a question or making a statement about something in your environment.
If you’re at a conference, you could ask, “Hey there, did you get to see the last speaker?” Or you could make the statement, “Man, the last speaker was really good.”
Again, see how this would be weird if you walked 20 feet over to someone and said this? But if they’re standing by you and you just turn your head a little and ask, it’ll be much more normal.
That’s one of the key things about events. You just want to have fun talking to the people around you. You aren’t trying to hunt people down and force them into a conversation with you.
If you’re at a house party, a good question to ask could be, “So, how do you know the host?” Or maybe you say, “That queso dip is out of control. You have to try it.”
Contextual questions and statements work because you’re talking about something that’s obviously common to both of you since you’re both in the same environment. It doesn’t have to be about the craziest thing going on. A basic question can be perfect.
It’d be odd if you walked up to someone at your company Christmas party and said, “The Tesla Model 3 was supposed to be out by now. I just want to see one already!”
Sure, they may be interested in Tesla cars, but they might not. And even if they are, they will wonder why you just said that. You have no reason to assume that it will interest them.
So, in order for these to be successful, don’t ask random questions and instead keep the topics on something common around you. You can always move towards other topics and ask more personal questions once you get the conversation going.
Lastly, use open-ended questions that get the person talking. If there’s such thing as getting a wrong answer, it’s a one-word answer.
3. The Cold Read
Alright, I know this sounds a little too much like a pick-up line, but hear me out.
And no, you’re not going to predict their zodiac sign or tell Barnum Statements (statements that seem personal, yet apply to many people).
All you’re trying to do here is pick up on their mood or some other fact, then point it out. It should be light and fun, not serious or negative.
For example, imagine you’re at a conference listening to someone give a speech and the person next to you is taking good notes. Once the speaker is finished, you can turn to the person and say, “Wow, you’re way better at taking notes than me!” It’s a simple, effective and fun way to start talking to someone.
Or maybe you’re at a party and you notice this guy just having a blast. He’s not out of control and over the top, but he’s socializing, laughing, and having a good time. You see him exiting the group he was just with, so you say, “Hey, you look like you’re having a good time. Awesome!”
Now, at this point, people usually ask me how this translates into a conversation. I’m not really going into that in this article, but I’ll give you an example for this last conversation starter just so you can see how it might work. Here’s how the conversation could play out:
You: Hey, you look like you’re having a good time. Awesome!
Jeff: Yeah it’s a fun party!
You: Cheers to that. Fun is always good. Anything special about tonight, or are you generally a happy guy?
Jeff: We won our softball game today, so we’re kinda celebrating that. But really, I just like having a good time.
You: Cool, I’m Rob by the way…
It won’t always work out nice like this, but that’s why you try. Maybe they aren’t as responsive. No big deal. Just tell them it was good to meet them and move on. Or ask a question about something else and see if they respond better.
Conversation starters don’t have to be tricky or intelligent. In fact, that’s the goal. Trying too hard to impress someone is a turn-off. Your cold read just needs to give you enough of a reason to start talking to someone so that the other person is interested in responding.
Once you’ve done that, you can start getting to know your conversational partner while practicing your conversation skills.
Bonus Tip
Before you go to an event, think of a few contextual questions and statements that you can use as conversation starters.
Since you already know what the event is going to be, you can do this ahead of time. This will help you come prepared and ready to socialize.
And as a follow-up, if you want to get to know these people on a personal level, be prepared. If you want some easy but great questions, just ask them what their favorite holiday, favorite season, favorite book, favorite food, or favorite movie is. And be ready with your own answers.
Alright, that covers it. Now it’s time to go put these to use. Next time you know you’re going to an event, go prepared. Try out these conversation starters and start making new friends.