Learning how to start a conversation with a stranger is easily one of the best skills you can learn.
It’ll help you make friends in new cities, build valuable work relationships, have enjoyable conversations with random people, and have fun wherever you go. It shouldn’t be a surprise that your relationships and conversations significantly impact your happiness and well-being.
Some people are lucky and find it easy to talk to new people. But the ability to start conversations is a skill you can learn. If you struggle or want to get better at talking to strangers, focus on these three things:
- Conquering your internal dialogue. The way you think about yourself, other people, and life affect the way you say things and the actual words that come out.
- Making a great first impression. People make snap judgments the instant they see you, so the image you project before you ever say a word greatly impacts the way they interact with you.
- Knowing what to say when you start conversations. Every situation is unique. It’s important to know which questions and statements work best for the environment you’re in.
Once you incorporate these lessons, which we cover in detail below, you’ll learn how to start a conversation with a stranger wherever and whenever you want.
Step 1: Conquer Your Internal Dialogue
If you think you’re going to get weird looks when to start a conversation with a stranger, you need to work on your internal dialogue.
Your thoughts and beliefs manifest through your nonverbal communication. In layman’s terms, people can see that you’re unhappy because of your frown or that you’re angry because of the furrow in your eyebrows.
You don’t resolve this by forcing your eyes to unfurrow or turning that frown upside down. You do it by changing your thoughts about yourself, your perception of other people, and your attitude regarding life, as I’ll show you.
Love Yourself and Believe that You are Awesome
If you don’t think that you’re awesome, no one will. Stop setting the bar so high and appreciate the person that you are.
As long as you continually do the following three things, you should be happy with who you are:
- Work toward meaningful goals. Maybe you want to be financially free. Instead of being mad at yourself because you aren’t yet, be happy that you spend one hour every day after work building a side-business. Even if you haven’t achieved your goals, be happy with yourself if you’re working toward them.
- Be a good person. You’re smart enough to know if a certain decision is ethical. As long as you’re not hurting others and you bring more good than bad to the world, feel content knowing you’re a good person.
- Do things you love. Your life will be awesome if you do things that you deem as awesome. If you do things that you love doing, it’ll be hard not to be stoked on yourself and your life.
Focus on those three actions and know that you’re moving forward, enjoying life and leaving a positive impact.
Be Understanding of People and Become Rejection-Proof
You have to tolerate rejection because it doesn’t matter how awesome you are — some people will like you, some won’t.
Some people will be in a good mood, some won’t.
Some people will be interested in starting new friendships, some won’t.
Sometimes you’ll stumble on words, other times you’ll speak fluently like a poet.
So who cares if you try to start a conversation and it doesn’t go well? Nothing bad will come of it and it likely isn’t your fault. If you make a mistake you can try to learn from it. But don’t let it stop you from trying again.
Don’t blame the other person either. The conversation just isn’t right for them at this particular moment. No big deal.
You need to risk rejection if you want to learn how to talk to strangers. The sooner you detach yourself from the outcome and stop caring about being rejected, the sooner you’ll have amazing conversations with these new people.
Believe that Life is Amazing
Have you ever seen someone who’s bummed on life? They look down toward the ground, avoid eye contact, and speak in a low, monotone voice.
That’s how you repel strangers from you. To combat this, you need to truly love life and believe that it’s amazing.
Understand that if you have clean water, plenty of food, clean clothes, and a place to live that you’re living better than 99% of people who have ever walked the Earth.
On top of that, you have the opportunity to become whoever you want. You can learn anything you want on the internet and you have the freedom to live anywhere.
So even if you’re not who or where you want to be yet, be grateful that you have the opportunity. Love yourself, work towards your goals, do things you love, and convince yourself (because it’s true) that life is amazing because you were lucky enough to be born in this era with this opportunity.
Once you get your mindset right, you want to make sure people see you as someone they’d want to talk to.
Step 2: Make a Great First Impression
Learning how to quickly make a great first impression is not difficult and it’s extremely important.
Your clothes, body language, and attitude all help get people to open up to you.
In Step 1, we focused on improving your mindset so that you naturally exude the right nonverbal body language. Here, you want to be cognizant of the different signals you’re sending and fix the ones you’re worst at.
Have High, Positive Energy
We talked about loving yourself and believing that life is awesome. If you think of those as long-term views, this is the short term view.
Be excited to meet new people. Be pumped on life at this moment. Have a half-smile on your face at all times. This will keep you in a better mood and makes it easier and more likely for you to blast a real smile (try it yourself — smile once from a stoic face and once from a slight grin. Isn’t it easier and more natural?)
Do whatever you can to improve your mood — listen to your favorite music before going out, call your favorite person and talk to them for five minutes, go surfing, dance, sing in the shower, whatever.
Finally, be prepared to speak louder than normal and talk with positive energy. You’ll get used to it and it’ll draw people to you.
Exude Confidence with Your Body Language
Confident people — people who love themselves and are completely comfortable in the game of life — use their body much differently than people who are scared, stressed, or somber.
It’s best to become confident so the proper body language follows (see Step 1), but you can also fix your nonverbal communication directly. It’s been shown that standing in the “power position” like Superman actually improves your confidence.
So your body language influences your state-of-mind and your state-of-mind influences your body language. That’s why it’s important to work on both ends of the spectrum.
This is what you need to do to have confident body language:
- Stand up straight. Don’t hunch over, even when you are sitting.
- Open up to the world. Don’t cross your arms or legs (obvious exception here for women in skirts). If you can, keep your neck, chest, palms, and thighs exposed (i.e facing the person — don’t worry, they can still be covered by clothing). This is the best way to show interest without going too far, like some people who gush about someone right to their face.
- Keep your head up and look out at the world in front of you. Don’t default to looking down, ever.
- Own the space around you. Don’t sit on the edge of a seat so someone else can sit comfortably. Don’t move your arm and say sorry when someone else bumps into you. Sit and stand comfortably, as long as it’s reasonable (i.e. don’t be a jerk).
- Have a nice, firm handshake (yes, you too women). Your hand and wrist should be sturdy, not limp. Just don’t squeeze too hard. There’s no reason to hurt anyone.
With excellent body language, people will be very receptive to the words you say, unless you don’t look appealing.
Dress and Groom Like the Lady or Gentleman You Are
Your looks matter because once someone thinks, “This isn’t someone I want to get to know,” you’ve lost the game. And many people make this judgment before you say a word, just based on your looks.
To master your looks, think about the type of people you want to get to know. Then, think about what kind of people would impress them. You can also think about what kind of people impress you.
Would they dress in a full 3-piece suit every day, because they are successful CEOs?
Do they rock board-shorts and a tank top, or a bikini with a summer dress, because they are masters of summer?
Or do they wear button-ups, cardigans, and chukka boots, for a casual, dressy vibe?
Once you figure that out, start slowly upgrading your wardrobe (or quickly if you don’t mind spending the money) to match that style.
Also, make sure your clothes fit nicely and easily match your other clothes. As a general rule, you don’t want your clothes to be baggy. They should flatter your body as best they can.
To make it easy to match, use neutral colors like white, black, navy, olive, grey, khaki, and brown, since these colors typically go well together.
For more men’s style tips, check out The Essential Man (sorry women, as a guy I only follow men’s fashion — send me a good recommendation and maybe I’ll plug it here).
Lastly, keep yourself well groomed. Find a hairstyle that works for you and actually DO your hair when you go out. Shower, wear deodorant and brush your teeth. And keep your nails and excess hairs well manicured (take that how you will).
Once you conquer your inner dialogue and learn how to present yourself confidently and intriguingly with positive energy, it’s time to figure out what you actually want to say so you can start conversations whenever and wherever you want.
Step 3: Start a Conversation with a Stranger by Knowing What to Say
If you ever wonder whether it’s possible to start a conversation with a stranger that actually feels normal, read on.
To successfully create conversation, the other person needs to understand why you are talking to them. Otherwise, red flags go up that ruin the vibe.
There are five steps to successfully starting a conversation with a stranger:
- Be prepared. Know where you are going and have a game plan for meeting people.
- Have a good reason for starting the conversation. You never want the person to wonder why you are talking to them when you initiate contact. You need to have a good reason and it should quickly become clear to them.
- Start with something contextual. When you first start a conversation, talk about something relevant to the situation. The location, something personal, something happening in your environment, and the weather are all contextual examples. This is akin to making small talk and helps give you a reason for starting a discussion. Statements work fine, but open-ended questions are best because they invite the other person to say more than one word.
- Find a similarity. No matter how small, you need to find something that bonds you two. This will give you a reason to get their name and continue conversing.
- Get their name (and give yours) ASAP. Once you start connecting with them by finding a commonality, you need to get their name to make the conversation personal. Use the acronym HENS (handshake, eye-contact, name, smile) so you remember to shake their hand, make eye-contact, use their name, and smile when you are exchanging names.
If the other person understands the reason you’re conversing with them and is comfortable exchanging names with you, you’ve successfully started a conversation.
(And if you want to take it all the way and learn how to turn these people into best friends, check out my free 8-lesson email course Making New Friends the Easy Way.)
There are five different scenarios where you’ll likely meet people:
- In public areas
- At events
- At group meetups
- At work (or school)
- Through a mutual contact
I’ll go through each situation and show you how to best start a conversation in each one.
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger in a Public Area
Public areas are places like parks, bars, grocery stores, markets, coffee shops, restaurants, beaches, malls, and anywhere else you will find strangers going about their day.
These are the most difficult places to start conversations because the people there are not expecting to meet you nor are they planning on meeting anybody.
But there are two categories for people in public spaces: people who are waiting for something and people who are busy, and each requires a different strategy for initiating conversation.
People Who are Waiting
It’s easier to talk to people who are waiting for something because you’re usually not interrupting them. Here are some examples of situations where people are waiting:
- You’re both in an elevator waiting to get to your floor.
- A cashier is ringing you up and you’re waiting to finish the transaction and get your receipt.
- You and another person are waiting in a line next to each other.
- You and a co-worker are waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing.
- Someone is killing time — they could be on a business trip sitting at a bar alone, at a coffee shop sitting with a coffee but not reading or working on a laptop, or lounging in the neighborhood jacuzzi, without anything keeping them occupied.
In these situations, it’s natural to start talking to the other person because neither of you have something better to do. It’s also more comfortable than the opposite — awkward silence.
Let’s go through five steps for starting conversations with people who are waiting:
- How to prepare: There isn’t much you can do to prepare, other than understand what I’m explaining here.
- Your reason: Your reason is that a conversation is better than twiddling your thumbs in awkward silence. The other person isn’t doing anything better, so you’re usually doing them a favor. Also, you may have something to ask or say to them.
- Contextual options: In these situations, you can ask them how their day is going, compliment them on a piece of clothing, talk about the weather, ask if they are from the area. The more it relates to the situation, the better.
- At Starbucks – What’s your favorite drink to get here?
- In hotel elevator – Are you in [city you’re in] for pleasure or work?
- In work elevator – Hi, how’s it going? What department are you in?
- At community jacuzzi – Hey, how’s it going? Have you lived here for a while?
- In line at the grocery store – Those are cool boots, I really like them. Who makes them?
- Similarities: The more meaningful a similarity, the better. But small similarities are fine too. At the jacuzzi, we’re probably neighbors. At a coffee shop, we’re likely both coffee lovers (and if we both love the same drink, even better). You just need to find and mention a similarity, so you can say something like, “It’s always nice meeting a fellow espresso lover,” which will lead to your introduction.
- Get their name: After mentioning your similarity, introduce yourself and get their name. For example, “We’ve both lived here for two years and love the jacuzzi. I’m surprised we haven’t met. I’m Rob by the way.” Then, they should give you their name too.
And that’s how you start a conversation with a person who is waiting for something in a public area.
People Who are Busy
This is a little more difficult because you have to interrupt the person. They’re shopping for groceries or clothes, eating or drinking with friends, exercising, watering their front yard lawn, working on their laptop, reading, or doing some sort of activity in public.
For that reason, you need to have a good reason for interrupting them. Usually, it involves asking a question that they specifically should have an opinion or answer for, or by complimenting something meaningful. Here are the five steps:
- How to prepare: Again, there’s not much you can do to prepare.
- Your reason: They seem like the right person to answer a question you have. Or, you really want to give them a compliment because it’s so good it’s worth interrupting them.
- Contextual options: You’re not going to ask them how they’re doing or choose a topic (like the weather) that isn’t important because they’re busy — they’re not looking to waste time and they want to get things done. Here are some questions and compliments that would give you a good enough reason to interrupt them.
- While in the salsa aisle of the grocery store: “Do you know if any of these salsas are good? Good salsa makes such a difference and I’ve struck out the last few times.”
- Someone reading Atlas Shrugged at Starbucks: “Excuse me. Sorry to bother you but it’s not often I see someone reading my favorite book, so I had to say hi. What do you think of it so far?”
- Someone on a laptop at Starbucks: “Hey, sorry to interrupt and let me know if I’m bothering you, but I’m just curious about working from coffee shops. I’ve done it a few times and am looking to get a better process down. Do you find it to be productive and enjoyable?”
- Someone with friends at a bar: “Do you know this area well? I’m looking for somewhere with amazing cocktails. Do you know where I should go?”
- Person walking through the mall: “Pardon me, I just wanted to tell you your jacket is rad. I’ve never seen a midnight-blue leather like that. Where’d you get it?”
- Similarities: This is the hardest part and often you won’t make it to getting their name (which is why these aren’t good places for making new friends). But it shouldn’t stop you because sometimes people are happy to keep the discussion going. Use your contextual opener as a springboard to find other topics or dig deeper into the one you started. Make sure you pay attention to their nonverbal cues — does it seem like they want to get back to what they are doing, or are they happy talking to you? Here’s an example of springboarding:
- You: Do you know this area well? I’m looking for somewhere with amazing cocktails. Do you know where I should go?
- Them: Billy’s has great mai-tais and Recess Room has excellent craft cocktails like smoked old-fashioneds.
- You: Awesome, that’s really helpful. Which one would you choose?
- Them: Recess Room. It’s a bit pricey but the drinks are amazing. And I love the fancy-schmancy stuff 😉
- You: Haha me too! You seem like a good drinking partner…
- Get their name: If you make it this far, introduce yourself. In the prior example, I’d just keep the sentence going with, “…I’m Rob by the way.”
Some of these won’t go anywhere, some won’t go very far, and a few will turn into conversations. Don’t worry about the ones that don’t work out because they happen often and aren’t a big deal.
The key is to judge whether they want to talk to you and stop bugging them if they don’t. Just politely say thanks or “good to meet you” and move on.
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger at an Event
It’s easier to meet someone at an event than in a public area because they are usually expecting to meet new people.
Events are organized activities based on a common interest, like parties, conferences, social mixers, concerts, wine tasting, one-time classes or workshops. People go to events to learn something new, meet like-minded people, find clients, make business relationships, or to just have fun.
Even though the other people attending expect to meet new people, they aren’t expecting to meet you specifically. So you still need to still need to have a reason for starting the conversation and find a similarity, which is often easier because you both share the interest of the event.
Let’s go through the steps of starting a conversation with someone at an event:
- How to prepare: Understand why you are interested in the event and be prepared to talk about the topic at hand (this should be easy because you should go to events that interest you). Also, think about where you will have opportunities to talk to people (sitting next to you, at the food table, etc.) and visualize yourself starting conversations.
- Your reason: People are expecting to meet other people at events and you know you at least have something in common. Because of this, most people are open to speaking with the people around them (sitting near them, standing near the food table, etc.)
- Contextual options: You have plenty of options. You can ask them event-related questions, like how they are enjoying the event, what brought them there, or if they attend similar events often. Or you can talk about other contextual topics — the cool venue, how the event is well organized, or even the weather. But, the more specific and more meaningful your contextual opener, the easier it will be to find your similarity. Humor also works well if you’re funny, but don’t force it. Here are some examples:
- Hi there, are you enjoying the event?
- It’s awesome having a lot of like-minded people around. Is this your first time here?
- Man, it feels good to get inside, it’s freezing out there! Do you enjoy this cold weather?
- You seem like you’re having fun. It’s almost like you’re out celebrating something! Are you? (Cold reads are good conversation starters for events and parties — which are really just advanced contextual statements.)
- Similarities: Finding a good similarity isn’t too hard because you share the interest that the event is based on. Examples could be:
- Yeah, most of my friends don’t care much about marketing, so it’s fun meeting others who I can nerd out with…
- That’s cool you know Jess (hostess of the party) so well. I’ve known her since middle school…
- Wow, this is your third time seeing Iron Maiden? That’s rad. It’s not often I meet someone who likes them more than I do…
- Get their name: The introduction should come immediately after you find the similarity. I could have added “…I’m Rob by the way” to any of the last examples.
Events are great places for starting conversations because you already share an interest. Use that as a starting point to get to know them better.
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger at a Group Meetup
Consistent Social Groups (CSGs) are the best places to meet new people when you’re starting from scratch. These are places where the same people regularly meet up to do something that interests them.
They include adult-league sports teams, book clubs, board game meetups, classes (that contain multiple sessions), business masterminds, hiking/walking/running groups, church, certain volunteering groups/organizations (not one-off events though), etc.
They’re great because people are expecting to meet you specifically. They plan on meeting their teammates, other students in the class, and other groups members. This makes it very simple to start a conversation, which you can see as we go through the steps:
- How to prepare: Understand why you are interested in the group and be prepared to talk about the topic at hand (this should be easy because you should join groups that interest you). Also, think about where you will have opportunities to talk to people (when you first meet with the group, during a break, during group discussion) and visualize yourself starting conversations.
- Your reason: People are expecting to meet to meet you. You can introduce yourself or say something contextual very easily.
- Contextual options: All you need to do is ask or say something contextual, likely about the group. Here are examples:
- Hi, this is the Photoshop class, right?
- Hey, I’m looking for my team, the Pink Panthers. Since you’re all in pink, I’m guessing I found it?
- I’m here for the book club. I showed up to the correct house, right? 🙂
- Hi, I’m new to the church and wanted to introduce myself…
- Similarities: You don’t even need to find an additional similarity because you’re already part of the group. You can go straight into getting their name.
- Get their name: Once they acknowledge you’re in the right place and that they’re a part of the group too, just introduce yourself and get their name.
As you can see, it’s extremely easy to start conversations with other group members, even for introverts. I highly recommend this if you’re trying to make new friends (and if you are, you should check out my free 8-lesson email course, Making New Friends the Easy Way to learn more).
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger at Work (or School)
Similar to events, co-workers and other students are expecting to meet other people, just not specifically you unless you work near them or with them (you’re in the same department/class, your cubicle/desk is near theirs, etc.). Because of that, I’ll explain both situations.
But before I do, understand that approaching someone in a professional context is different than a social context. Your reputation and career are on the line so make sure you don’t say anything offensive.
People Who Work Near or With You
This is comparable to meeting people at CSGs. A quick contextual reference is all you need before introducing yourself. Let’s look at the steps:
- How to prepare: There isn’t much to do here, but it helps to visualize how you might start talking to these people. Do you walk up to their cube? Do you look over at the person sitting next to you?
- Your reason: You have a good reason for meeting them — you’re in the same class, you’re going to work together, you work near each other every day. Since you’re likely going to see them often, it makes sense for you to get to know each other.
- Contextual options: All you need to do is ask or say something contextual, likely about your current situation. Here are examples:
- (To the person in the cube next to yours) Hey there, looks like we’ll be working next to each other…
- (To the person sitting next to you in class) Hi, have you heard whether this teacher is any good? (They answer). Right on, we’ll just have to keep her on our good side…
- (To someone in your department, as you walk by their cubicle) Hey, you’re Jeff, right? Looks like we’ll be working together so I wanted to introduce myself…
- Similarities: You don’t even need to find an additional similarity because you have a good enough reason for meeting each other. You can go straight into getting their name.
- Get their name: Now, you just introduce yourself by saying something like, “I’m Rob by the way.”
The trick here is to start this ASAP. At the very beginning of your first class. During the first week of your new job. The longer you wait, the harder it is.
If you do wait or you’ve been in your situation for a while, find a different reason. Here are some good ways to introduce yourself if you didn’t do it in the beginning:
- “Hey, you sit near me but we haven’t really worked together and I never formally introduced myself. I’m Rob by the way.”
- “What do you think of this class so far? (They respond). Yeah, so true. I haven’t introduced myself yet, I’m Rob by the way.”
- “Hey, it’s Chris, right? Ok cool. Yeah, I’m Rob. It’s good to formally meet you.”
The trick here is to take the blame (“I haven’t introduced myself”) or accept it as normal while being the proactive one.
People Who Don’t Work Near or With You
If someone doesn’t work near or with you, you need to have a good reason for meeting them. For this reason, refer to the earlier section on meeting strangers in public places.
If they are waiting for something like coffee or an elevator, refer to the subsection “People Who are Waiting.” Otherwise, you’ll likely have to interrupt them and you should read the subsection “People Who are Busy.”
How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger You Meet Through a Mutual Contact
Starting a conversation with someone you meet through a mutual contact is akin to meeting a friend of a friend, but there are other scenarios too. Instead of a friend putting you in touch with someone, it could be a co-worker, an acquaintance, or someone you just met.
Here are some situations that would fall into this category:
- While at your friend Ryan’s barbecue, you meet his friend Sam. Most people refer to this as meeting a friend of a friend. Either Ryan introduces you two or you meet each other during the barbecue without his help.
- You’re at a networking event with a co-worker. You separate for a while but then find each other again. She’s talking to someone you’ve never met and you walk up and meet this new stranger.
- You go out for drinks with a buddy, and some of his other friends meet you guys there.
This is how most people make new friends because your mutual contact has done some of the vetting for both of you already. You’re both more likely to be fun people with similar interests. It’s hands down the easiest way to make new friends, although starting the conversation isn’t always as easy as it is with group members because they aren’t necessarily expecting to meet you.
Regardless, there are better and worse ways to start conversations with these people, so it’s best to do it right. Let’s go through the steps:
- How to prepare: If you know you want to meet a specific person and you have a mutual contact, you can reach out to them to see if they can put you in touch. Be careful though — done the wrong way, certain friends will think you’re using them to steal their friend. In those situations, it’s better to hang out as a group and include the mutual friend.
- Your reason: You both know the same person. This is a perfectly valid reason for starting a conversation and getting to know someone. (It’s also why people recommend this conversation starter when you go to a party: “So, how do you know the host?”)
- Contextual options: Just like starting any conversation, ask or say something contextual. Even if your friend introduces you two in person, exchange names then say something contextual. Although you can use any contextual topic (the weather, location, etc.), asking about their relationship with your mutual contact is best because it’ll show you why they are friends and will give you better insight into who they are. Here are some examples:
- So, how do you know John?
- Where did you meet Sally?
- How long have you guys known each other?
- Similarities: You already have your similarity — the mutual contact. But you can find a different one if you want. You can say:
- Oh cool, I met Chris in high school. We played water polo together…
- That’s awesome you play tennis together. I actually love playing tennis too…
- Yeah, Jen’s so much fun! You must be too since you’re such good friends…
- Get their name: Now, you just introduce yourself by saying something like, “I’m Rob by the way.”
Starting a conversation with someone who has a mutual friend or acquaintance isn’t difficult, but just like any other conversation, you need to say something contextual and find a commonality. Having a friend in common makes that an easy lay-up though.
Keep it Simple
I just gave you a lot of information and you should continue to reference it whenever you need. But to get the most out of this article, focus on the high-level takeaways:
First, to conquer your internal dialogue, just remember to love life and be understanding of others. You enjoy your life, you’re grateful for it, and you know that not everyone is willing to have a conversation when you want. That’s okay.
Second, to make a great first impression, have good, positive energy, stand straight with good body language, and keep yourself groomed. Or you can ask yourself:
Do I look happy, powerful, and stylish? Or do I look unhappy, scared, and sloppy?
Lastly, every conversation you start should have a reason, which is why you want to start contextually. You want to quickly find a similarity and get their name to make sure you have a reason to continue the conversation.
If they are expecting to meet you, you can introduce yourself immediately or start talking about the reason you’re meeting each other.
If they’re expecting to meet people, just not necessarily you, say something contextual and know that they are likely interested in talking if you can get on the right topic.
If they aren’t expecting to meet anyone, understand that you have to interrupt them. You need to have a very good contextual reason for this and an equally good similarity to continue the conversation.
If you keep these high-level tips in mind, you’ll have much more success when starting conversations.
And if you want to learn not only how to start conversations, but how to keep them going and turn strangers into best friends, get my free 8-lesson email course Making New Friends the Easy Way.
Now it’s time to put what you learned to good use. And once you’ve done that, you might want read my article on how to keep a conversation going.