Yesterday, I failed and hated it. And it made me think.
As humans, we hate failure.
We fail to start our own business, even if we truly want to.
We’re scared to ask our boss for a raise or promotion, even though it could change our lives.
We decide not to start that conversation, even though we keep telling ourselves we want to be more social.
From a biological perspective, it makes sense.
Thousands of years ago, you could upset the wrong person and get kicked out of the tribe, forced to fend for your life where survival is rare when alone. Or maybe you make one wrong step, your enemies hear you, and it costs you your life.
Because of this, our brains are hardwired to avoid failure. When we can foresee potential failure, an alarm system runs through our body flashing bright lights and sounding sirens that scream, “What are you doing?!?!”
Times have changed though. Rarely does failure represent anything close to life threatening. Often times failing will have zero negative impact on your life.
On the flip side, failure can be a great teacher. It tells you that you either failed in your execution, or that you didn’t even know what to do in the first place.
It gives you feedback on how to improve. You can go back to the drawing board to figure out the solution to what went wrong, and try again with your new found knowledge.
And if it still doesn’t work? Well, now you know two ways not to do it.
The best way to succeed is to use failure as a teacher. And what you do with those lessons is equally important.
Failing Led Me To An Amazing Lesson
Talking to people is generally pretty easy for me. I’ve worked long and hard for it to be this way.
I still get negative feelings from the fear of rejection, but I’ve learned to manage those feelings much better and they aren’t nearly as crippling as they once were.
Yesterday I went to a new dentist. I had never been, so it was my first time meeting everyone – the receptionist, hygienist, dentist, etc.
As I was laying in the comfy patient’s chair waiting for the hygienist, I was reading The Undoing Project by Michael Lewis (one of my absolute favorite authors).
As the hygienist arrived to get my teeth all cleaned up, she asked me what I was reading. I told her, and said it’s about two of the most influential psychologists and how they teamed up to create revolutionary work.
She perked up and said, “Oh cool! I love psychology. It’s so fascinating.”
And this is where I failed. Although I absolutely love psychology and can talk about it for hours with some people, I totally blanked. I tried to spin my wheels, and ended responding with, “Awesome.”
That was as far as we got with that topic.
Even though we continued to make good small talk, I consider this a failure because I love meeting people who share the same passions as me. I generally seek these people out, and this time I blew an opportunity to find out how much we shared in that area of interest.
So when I got home, I put a good amount of thought into what happened and I realized something:
I didn’t have a good way to ease into the topic.
It’s not common for me to talk psych with people, and when I do, I usually know that they are interested in it and am adding to past conversations we’ve had. So I didn’t have any high-level talking points to start the discussion.
A simple answer to why I am interested in psychology would have sufficed. Or even just having an easy question ready to ask would’ve worked. Although I knew these deep down, I realized I didn’t have them on the top of my head. That was the issue.
So I did what I often do. I decided to make a plan that won’t allow this to happen again.
I pulled up Google Spreadsheets and jotted down some talking points and questions.
Next time I meet someone who seems interested in psychology, I want to easily get the conversation moving forward. By understanding why I like it, and having easy ways to start a simple conversation on the topic, my success rate should skyrocket.
My goal is to be prepared. And that’s the key: Preparation.
The best way to succeed at anything – nailing a job interview, starting a conversation with a stranger, or losing ten pounds – is to think ahead and understand how you will surpass potential obstacles.
For a job interview, you can prepare by figuring out what the employer truly wants and come up with a way to show how you will solve those problems for them. When they ask you what you can bring to the table, you already have a stellar answer.
If you want to start conversations with strangers, you can prepare by thinking about the scenarios you’ll meet them in. Is it at a networking event, the mall, or a bar? You’ll want to know, because each situation requires different techniques. Then, come up with a strategy and test it out.
If it doesn’t work out the way you intended, you know one of two things – either that strategy doesn’t work well, or you didn’t execute the strategy well.
By knowing what I want – to talk to people about psychology when they are interested – I can prepare for the next time that opportunity arises.
I may have failed yesterday, but all my future opportunities have a much better chance of succeeding. All because I learned from my mistake and prepared for next time.