Last weekend I went to LA with my wife, sister, and brother-in-law. Double dating with my sister, heck yeah.
After a nice dinner at Sur, we went to the connected lounge for some drinks.
As we are walking in, I notice three women who look pretty happy trying to take a selfie. So I offer to help and take their photo.
They seemed pretty upbeat and excited, and we had this small conversation:
Me: “What are we celebrating?”
Woman: “Sara just got the job she’s always wanted!”
Me: “Congrats! I don’t know if there’s anything better than doing what you love for a living. That’s awesome!”
Sara: “I know, that’s so true! Thanks so much. So what brings you here tonight?”
I tell them I’m with some of my favorite people, that it was great talking to them but I need to get back to my group. I congratulate Sara again, and go find my peeps.
So what’s the point? Many people (myself included) say that if you want to build stronger connections with people, you need to find similarities with them.
This is even important at the beginning of a conversation, so that you can get them interested in talking to you further.
But often times this is mistaken for interviewing the person, just asking them random questions in pursuit of responding with, “Me too!” Unfortunately, that’s clunky, uninteresting and can kill their interest before you find your similarity.
So I’m here to show you a better way of accomplishing this by looking at it with a different approach.
What Not To Do
Let’s take a look at some of the things I didn’t do in my conversation above:
- I didn’t ask them multiple questions in a row like an interviewer. This makes you look too eager, too uninteresting, and begs the question, “Why is he asking me all of this?”
- I didn’t ask them any questions in a formal manner. This is just too boring and uninteresting, especially for the environment I was in. Most of the time when you are just meeting someone, it should be light and fun. Getting serious or formal is the opposite of that.
- I didn’t ask them questions that had nothing to do with our interaction. I didn’t ask, “What’s your favorite thing to do on the weekends?” or anything like that. If you want to ask someone you just met a question, you should have a good contextual reason for doing so.
What Worked
Now, let’s look at what I did do and see why it worked.
- I offered to help them. That’s one great way to start a conversation.
- I noticed that they were happy and possibly celebrating something, so I asked them about it. This was very much in the context of our situation, so it made sense for me to do so.
- I assumed familiarity. By asking, “What are we celebrating?” I made it as though we were all celebrating together. Since they accepted this, I was more connected with them. This might not have worked if I didn’t come in smiling with a positive attitude and looking like I’m just having fun. You can’t just assume familiarity by itself. You need to “be” someone they’d be willing to “accept” into the group.
- I connected to a similarity that almost anyone could connect with – the belief that having a job you love is awesome. I just restated it in my own words and made it seem like I agreed that it is a worthy reason to celebrate. All of which is true.
- I kept it light and fun. Even though I wasn’t learning much about them, I was able to connect with them. This is something many people miss. It doesn’t have to be a stated interest or anything. You can agree with why they’re in their state of mind, or what they are doing, or anything of the sort.
The reason I know this worked is because they looked interested and even asked me a question. That may seem petty, but I’ve learned over the years that if people aren’t interested, you will find out pretty quickly, especially in a nightlife scene.
How You Can Find Similarities Quickly And Easily
Using the lesson from my latest experience, you can quickly connect with people too, even if the person or people you meet aren’t celebrating some great news in a posh LA lounge. Here are some quick and easy tips:
- Have a good, upbeat energy. Smile and make it obvious that you’re down to have a good time, even if you know you won’t be there long. Have the mindset that enjoyable moments exist everywhere, and you are just pulling them out of the situations of your choice (in this case when you are talking to someone new).
- Act quickly when you get the chance. Whether you’re sitting at a common table at a coffee shop, on the seat of an airplane, or in line at Nordstroms, you want to start the conversation as soon as the opportunity presents itself. In my case, I was walking into the lounge and saw the women fumbling with a camera. But even if you just say, “Hey there,” when someone sits by you, it makes opening the rest of the conversation much easier. If someone has been sitting next to you for ten minutes and neither of you has said a word, it’s much harder to start the conversation.
- Ask a question about something you think they like, using the situation as a guide so it makes sense why you’re asking. If you’re at a coffee shop and a guy sits next to you with his laptop, after saying hi you could say, “I just started going to coffee shops to work on my laptop to get out of the house. Is this something you do often?” There’s a good chance he does like it since he is choosing to do it. Of course, maybe he doesn’t enjoy it and is only doing it because he was sent on a business trip out of town and has to work out of his car or something, but hey, at least you still popped open a conversation. In my story from LA, I just asked about what they were celebrating. Of course that’s going to be something positive.
- Connect to their response. For the coffee shop guy, maybe he says, “Yeah, I love the environment here. It makes working more pleasurable.” You can respond with, “I agree. Not only do I enjoy it more, but I think I’m more productive too. Plus the coffee’s a good bonus.” Your goal is to agree with them. Even if you can’t relate, state how you could see that being cool. For example, if you don’t actually work from your computer at the coffee shop, your response could be, “That sounds like an awesome way to work. I think I’d really enjoy it. Have you been doing this for a while?”
And that’s it. It’s not difficult to relate to something that somebody else likes very quickly and early in a conversation. And when you do, it makes the rest of the conversation much easier.
You will notice that they are interested in talking to you. They will ask you questions rather than let the conversation die out.
It takes a little practice to come up with the right questions to ask, which comes as you get better at noticing things that people will respond well to.
So start coming up with different scenarios in your head. Or when you’re out and about, look at the different people and see if you can think of something that they would be interested in. And don’t forget to use the situation to your advantage.
Lastly, if you can find a place to go to consistently, you will start to notice patterns and improve much faster. The coffee shop example is actually something I do. I take my laptop to the local Starbucks once or twice a week and work from it.
I only started doing it this last month, but I’ve gotten much better at talking to the people who sit by me. I use the same laptop question on many people. I also try other questions and variations to see what works best.
But the more I do it, the better I get and the easier it is.
The same can go for you.
I’m curious, what kind of places do you think would be great for consistently meeting strangers? Whether you already go there now, or if it’s something you’d like to start doing, let me know in the comments below.