This post is the first in a 3-part series on building connections by being authentic. I am focusing on authenticity because it is extremely important for building genuine connections and bonds with people. Being seen as authentic builds massive trust, and trust is critical to connecting with people.
Part 1 (this post) covers hand and arm gestures, and how using them properly will add credibility, trust and authenticity to your interactions.
Part 2 covers your lifestyle. It shows you why living an authentic lifestyle and being true to yourself is critical to building friendships and connecting with people. And, it shows you how to do this.
Part 3 dives into the deep, murky waters of vulnerability. It can be scary giving away your deepest, darkest secrets. You don’t need to divulge everything, but opening up to people is crucial to gaining their trust. Done properly, people will start to open up to you in ways you’ve never imagined. And I’ll show you how to do it right.
Now, let’s jump into Building Connection Through Authenticity – Part 1: Gestures
Why Is It So Important To Be Authentic?
Simply put, authenticity builds trust, and trust is a key component to connecting with people.
Of course, there are many ingredients to bonding with people – trust, respect, making people feel good about themselves, being interesting, etc. By itself, trust doesn’t do much.
But without it, connecting is nearly impossible.
Unfortunately, this is where I see many people go wrong. They have a good mixture of the other ingredients. But they aren’t exuding authenticity.
People think, “Yea, he’s interesting and fun, I just don’t think I’d want to hang out one-on-one.”
Or, “It doesn’t seem like she’s telling the truth. What’s her true motivation for saying that?”
There’s just something off that they can’t put their finger on.
When you aren’t being authentic, the other person might not even notice anything. They just don’t put forth the necessary effort to becoming a better friend because they can’t picture you being their close friend.
Basically, people subconsciously write you off because of this feeling they get. That’s what a lack trust will get you.
And the worst part? Those people who are struggling with this ARE ACTUALLY TRUSTWORTHY! Sadly, they aren’t portraying authenticity to the people around them.
Where Do Gestures Come Into Play?
All I need to do is not lie, right? Just tell the truth?
Sorry, but that’s not the case. People often quote that body language accounts for 55% of all face-to-face communication, while the tone of your voice makes up 38% and the actual words themselves are only 7%.
Now, this is heavily debated and I’m sure every situation is different, but the main point is this:
Voice tone and body language, including hand and arm gestures, communicate a lot of information to other people. And their interpretation of that info is how they will perceive you.
Let me show you what I mean with this extreme example: Imagine you run into a desk at work, and it hurts badly. Someone asks you if it hurts and you squeak out a “No.” But your face is scrunched and your hands are holding your leg. It’s pretty obvious in this situation that your tone and body language are telling the truth while your words are lying.
To communicate authenticity, your body language, gestures, voice tone and words all need to do three things:
- Convey trust
- Be congruent with each other
- Be congruent with your true self
Below, I will show you how to use your gestures to convey authenticity in any situation.
Conveying Trust
If there are two things you need to keep in mind it’s these:
- Use gestures
- Be open
Using Gestures
When you aren’t gesturing, you are counting on your words to tell your story, explain your idea, or say whatever it is you are trying to get across.
The problem is that you have no other “backup” to your words. Imagine you tell your boss, “Sorry I’m late. I had to wait in line at the City Permit Center and it was out the door.
In scenario one, you just say the words.
In scenario two, you change your vocal tonality when you say, “out the door,” turn half way around, look behind you, and use your whole arm to point backwards as if you are pointing to the end of the line off in the distance.
Which scenario do you think is more believable?
You probably guessed right. Scenario 2.
Here’s the reason why. When you are telling the truth, you can easily visualize the situation you were in. When you are explaining it to someone, you are reliving it. You see it in your mind and your arms will help you show them what you are seeing.
When you are lying, you are just fabricating words. You don’t have that visual to help walk you through the steps.
Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone using gestures is telling the truth and everyone who isn’t is lying. But humans do shortcut this and find people who use gestures as more trustworthy (if done properly, which I explain later in this post).
The point is that you want to use gestures while you are speaking to add value and authenticity to your words. This is much better than speaking with your hands at your side.
Being Open
Not every gesture has a specific meaning like pointing, or holding up three fingers to indicate a count of three. Sometimes, you will move your hands out in front of you, bring them back, clench them, hold them together, whatever. This is generally to emphasize your points.
One easy way to be more trustworthy while doing this is to be more open. This means exposing your palms and forearms.
Now, I’m not telling you to hold out your arm and say, “Look at my forearm!”
No. Just be willing and purposeful about exposing these parts as you are gesturing throughout the interaction.
It’s in our DNA to protect our vulnerable body parts from those we don’t trust (or see as predators), and open them up to those we love and trust.
For this reason, people will you as more trustworthy when you openly expose your palms and forearms. Other areas that you should try to keep open are your chest and neck.
Again, you don’t need to be dramatic here and you don’t need to show any extra skin (you can keep your clothes on), but try not to keep your arms crossed in front of you. This will block your chest and keep your palms and forearms hidden from view. It does not send a friendly message to the other person.
If a cop were to stop you on the street and you put your hands in the air, exposing your palms and the insides of you arms, the cop would trust you way more than if you kept your arms close to your body and didn’t expose your palms.
You don’t need to surrender to coworkers, friends or every day people, but similar rules apply. By being more open with your body language and gestures, people will trust you more and see you as much more authentic.
Once you start adding open gesticulation to your conversations, you will need to get it to match your thoughts and words.
Keeping Your Body On The Same Page As Your Mind
I want you to imagine two different scenarios:
- I walk into your office, and without any gestures I say, “Hey, there’s this video you really need to watch.”
- I come into your office yelling, “OMG you have to see this!” I practically throw you out of the way, get on your computer and start pulling up a YouTube video.
You might think I’m crazy, but your level of intrigue will be way higher in the second scenario. You’ll be much more interested in watching the video because you will believe that I honestly think you need to see the video.
The reason is congruence. My actions, body language and voice tone all match what I’m saying – that it’s in your best interest to watch this video.
But in the first scenario, I’m only saying it’s important with my words. The rest of my body is saying it’s not that big of a deal.
To communicate trustworthiness, you need your body language, gestures, voice tone and words to match each other.
If you’d like to see what I mean by this, check out this video where I demonstrate the value that gestures and vocal tonality add to your words.
In terms of gesticulation, this means having bigger, wider use of your arms to fully communicate what your words are saying. Even if you aren’t saying something dramatic, emotional or exciting, you still want to speak with your hands and arms in addition to your words.
But when you are excited, your gestures should also show excitement.
When you’re telling a story with strong emotions, use your hand and arms to shows those emotions on top of the words and tonality.
For example, pretend you are telling a story about something embarrassing that happened to you. Right when you say, “…and I was so embarrassed!” you can put your face in your hands as if you are embarrassed right when you are saying it.
When you don’t use gesticulation, people aren’t consciously thinking, “He must be lying. I don’t trust him.” But they do think, either consciously or subconsciously, “I’m not sure if I fully trust what she’s saying.” It could be a tiny feeling inside them or they actually might think those words.
Proper gesturing makes your words more believable, interesting and lively.
So how do you get better at matching your gesticulations with your words?
Watch other people. Movies, TV, at work, at home, on the street, at a bar, in class. Wherever. Just pay attention to the way people gesture while they are speaking. If this is new to you and you start paying a lot of attention to other people’s gestures, it might blow your mind how much is going on that you were previously unaware of.
Pay attention to your own gesturing. Try really hard to be conscious about it when you are having conversations (it can be tough to remember in the moment).
Practice. Both in real conversations and by yourself. Try looking in a mirror and seeing how your gesturing looks. It will be uncomfortable to gesture in conversations if you aren’t used to it, or even if you are just trying to add new ones. But just get through it and keep trying. You will be glad you did.
Focus on one gesture to learn. Don’t worry about learning a whole repertoire of gestures. Just choose one and focus on getting better at it until it becomes comfortable and natural. Even if it is just moving your arms as you speak, rather than one that portrays a specific meaning. Once you are comfortable with it, move onto another one and repeat the process.
And here’s a couple more tips:
Don’t get “stuck in the box.” This is when your elbows don’t leave your side and you are just moving your hands and forearms. Don’t do that. Move your whole arm. Use all of the space around your body. Imagine sticking your arms straight up, straight to the side, and straight in front of you. You are free to use all that area. But only use it when it makes sense. You don’t have to be a sporadic weirdo. Next time you are pointing somewhere, try using your whole arm rather than just your finger.
Don’t be too rigid or too limp. You don’t want to be so rigid that it looks like you’re trying to do the robot and you don’t want to be so limp that it looks like you have no control or confidence with your arms and hands. You want to have a solid, flowing movement with your arms that shows control and fluidity. You can strengthen your fingers and tense up for a moment when making a point, but then go back to flowing gestures while explaining something or moving a story along.
Think of the emotion or idea you are trying to express.
- Got an idea? Touch your temple then open your hand while moving it up and away from your head, kind of like illuminating a light bulb.
- Making a strong point? Think about clapping or snapping to add impact. “And then…BOOM (with a clap)! The bowling ball went right through the floor.”
- Telling a timeline or talking about size? Use your hands to help show it was a short or long period, or if it’s something big or small.
Expressing Your True Self
We all know that our mind affects our body – you’re hungry, you see a cookie and your mind says, “Pick it up and jam it down your throat.” And then you do it. Basically, we think of what we want to do, then we tell our body to do it.
And in a less obvious and more subconscious way, when you are sad, you slump your shoulders and look down. When you are happy, you have more energy and hold your shoulders and head higher.
But we rarely think about how the opposite is true. Studies have shown that your posture helps determine your mood. Slouch your shoulders and you will have more depressed thoughts. Hold a good posture and you will have happier thoughts.
How does this relate to gesturing?
When you use low-energy gesturing, or worse, no gesturing at all, it lowers your overall energy level. When you do use proper, full gesturing, it increases your energy level. Think of low-energy gesturing as slumping your shoulders, and high-energy gesturing as having good posture.
Again, you don’t need to go crazy with your arms. But they should be moving around without being constricted in space.
This also displays confidence. That you aren’t afraid of being you and taking up the space around you, because you know what you are doing. And this confidence builds trust – the more you believe in yourself, the more others will believe what you are saying. The more they believe you, the more they will trust you.
In other words:
If your lack of gesturing is indeed bringing down your energy, then you are stifling yourself from being the true you. You are only your true self – the person who expresses their beliefs, ideas and thoughts with unrestrained confidence – when you aren’t stripping away good energy.
When you start gesturing more, you’ll notice that thoughts flow out of your head easier. Gesturing works symbiotically with your mind. The more you use one, the easier it is to use the other.
So, while productive thoughts and conversation are inhibited by a lack of gesturing, good usage of gesticulation can promote them.
It does take a little while to get used to gesturing though. And you probably won’t notice the benefits of the symbiotic relationship immediately (although you will most likely get “spurts” here and there). But over time, you will absolutely notice it if you keep up the practice.
By using gestures when you speak, you will help unleash your true self. There’s no way of being more authentic than being true to who you are.
If you liked this post, stay tuned for part 2 on lifestyle.