Foreign countries can be pretty crazy. Especially when you’ve never been there. Maybe it’s safe, maybe it’s not. You may have read a Rick Steves guide or some review from your hotel, but you don’t know whether any of these people around you are good or bad.
The culture’s different. Their mannerisms, body gestures, language and tonality are different. And the environment is new.
But these are the things that happen to make it fun. Getting lost and exploring is such a great feeling. Meeting new people you know nothing about can be a blast.
My wife Kim and I went to two countries. In Germany we went to Munich. In Italy we went to Florence, Rome and Positano. It was an amazing trip with tons to see, lots to do and plenty of interesting people along the way.
When you’re in a foreign country, you usually don’t know many people. To make it fun, it helps to meet some new people and connect with them on a level where everyone is having a better time because of this new friendship – even if it’s only temporary.
So that’s what we did. We met a lot of people. We built some great connections and we made some new friends.
Of course, not everything worked out perfect and we missed some opportunities. But overall, I would call the trip a great success.
Wins
Below are some of the mindsets and strategies that helped us meet and connect with various people throughout the trip.
Be Curious and Accept Your Ignorance
In any situation, having the mindset that you are a curious person and always looking to learn more will help you connect with others. On top of that, owning the fact that you don’t know much about something gives you a trustworthy quality that says, “I’m not here to bullshit. I’m being honest and open.” People deeply respect this.
I can go into an Italian restaurant, say the food is “buonissimo,” and act all proud that I learned a little Italian and can now speak it. This would be pretending like I know more than I do. Or I can say “buonissimo,” then ask the waiter if I said it correctly and get a free lesson on pronunciation. The difference is the mindset. If you can drop your ego, accept a growth mindset and be curious to learn from others, the world will open up to you.
We did exactly this in Florence. I asked how to say the meal was great, and practiced saying “buonissimo” a few times while the waiter corrected my terrible accent. He told me another phrase, “molto buono,” which also means “very good.” He explained to me that “buonissimo” is a little better than “molto buono.” It was cool. I was learning about Italian culture.
The two mindsets are worlds apart. Look at the difference between the two different thoughts the waiter could be having:
“Cool. You know how to say one word in Italian. Do you expect me to be impressed?”
“Wow, you must really be new to Italy. At least you’re not acting like you know more than you do. Since you are willing to learn how we actually do things, I’d be willing to help explain it to you.”
Even though those aren’t the exact words he was having in his head, that is how dramatic of a difference it can make. People’s perception of you will be dramatically different when you act curious rather than like you know more than you do.
So what happened? It was the first restaurant we ate at in Florence. Since two of the waiters were really cool and because the food was amazing, we ate there two more times during our stay. Towards the end of the third meal there, we were drinking a jug of free limoncello and leaving with a free bottle of Chianti. We made friends and they legitimately hooked us up.
But more than anything, it was just fun. Eating and drinking in an atmosphere where you and the other people enjoy each other is one of the best feelings ever. And a lot of that has to do with being curious about others and their way of life.
Find Commonalities
When I hear someone speaking English in a foreign language-speaking country, I already have a big similarity. I can say “Hi,” or “Where are you from?” and they will probably be happy to talk. We ended up meeting plenty of Americans who were traveling, just from doing this.
But even without the “same language in a foreign country” commonality, you can still search for other ones. If you’re at a restaurant, you can ask the waiter or someone near you if they know what’s good. I generally like most things on the menu, so I will say something like, “Awesome, I love chicken carbonara. I’ll take your recommendation. Thanks.” And now we have a commonality, albeit a small one. And you can build from there.
There are many commonalities that you can find, but they all take a little bit of digging. It’s great to start with the easy ones, which then gives you an opportunity to be curious (see above), and find more commonalities.
If you can find some of the bigger ones, like being from a similar area or having the same passions, then it’s that much easier to hit it off.
Don’t Give Up
Oktoberfest is an insane, but awesome festival. The tents are completely packed and they sit you wherever they can find room. When a group leaves the table, they immediately fill the seats (although halfway through the day no one is sitting – everyone is standing on the benches).
The first group we sat next to was from Hamburg, Germany. Right when we sat down, I said, “Hey, what’s up guys, how’s it going?” and they barely responded. It’s easy to think that they didn’t want to talk to us and just wanted hang out amongst themselves rather than with us foreigners. If that’s what we had believed, my wife and I might have just talked amongst ourselves. We would’ve needed to wait for another group to come, and hope that they were willing to talk.
However, I didn’t stop there. I asked them where they were from and got the small response of “Hamburg.” I told them where I was from. I asked some questions about Hamburg, and the conversation started to develop. Before I knew it, we were in a full blown conversation.
It was awesome drinking beer with these local Germans, learning about their culture and having a good time letting loose.
But it could have been the opposite.
If you don’t make the effort to get the conversation going, it may never blossom. And the longer you wait, the harder it is to get it going.
Don’t give up just because someone gives you a short answer right off the bat. Maybe they just don’t know what to say, and by asking more questions and opening up, you get their words flowing too.
Keep in touch
Not only did we meet new people during our trip, but we hung out with some of them multiple times. We kept in touch with a couple we met in Florence. Because we did, we ended up hanging out with them once more in Florence. Then, they happened to be in Rome the same time we were and we met up with them at a mozzarella bar (yup, those exist).
It was really cool meeting new people, hanging out with them, enjoying their company, and seeing them multiple times. It was fun getting dinner and drinks we people you feel like are you friends, even though you just met them.
And it would have never happened had we not exchanged contact info and actually stayed in touch after first meeting.
On top of that, I saw that a college friend of mine was going on his honeymoon in Italy around the same time as us. I reached out, and found out we were going to be in Rome at the same time. So we met up and had a night on the town with them. Book it up as another awesome night with friends.
The point, share contact info and keep in touch. It doesn’t always work out. But if you never try, you’ll never know.
As Wayne Gretzky said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”
Fails
If only life could always work out perfectly. As much as I’d love to say that everything on the trip went perfect and there were roses raining from the sky, it didn’t.
We missed opportunities that were right in front of us. I sometimes get in my own head and get in my own way.
So I’d like to share some of the mistakes I made. Because sometimes you can learn a lot more from a failure than a success.
Prejudging
This is probably one of the main reason people don’t do a great job of meeting new people. They see someone and think of the reasons they wouldn’t like them and wouldn’t care to get to know them.
I still catch myself guilty of prejudging people, and I work hard at preventing it.
NOTE: There are plenty times when judging people makes sense. If you’re in a popular place mingling, being social or whatever, and you want to go talk to someone new, of course you are going to try to choose someone who interests you more. You want to be less judgmental for situations when you are near someone, and you can either talk to them or not talk to them. You don’t have the option to replace them with someone else. Basically, don’t use prejudging as an excuse to not socialize. Only to make better decisions for whom you will socialize with.
During a lunch at a beer garden in Munich, I didn’t put much effort into talking to some people next to us at a table because they didn’t “seem” like people I’d be interested in talking to. So Kim and I just talked to each other.
Dumb mistake. For 30 minutes we were kind of awkwardly glancing around, trying not to make eye contact, not saying a word to them. But finally, they asked us a question and we started talking. They were awesome and would have been fun people to hang out with during our lunch. But we were about to leave and didn’t get that chance because I prejudged them and didn’t give them the proper opportunity.
Trying to Fit In (opposite of accepting your ignorance)
I’m obviously not Italian and I can barely speak 10 words of it. I did put effort into learning and using those words, but I’m nowhere close to fooling someone into thinking I can speak it decently.
Opposite of the example above when I asked my waiter questions, at other restaurants I would just respond them with “buonissimo” or “molto buono,” and end it right there. They would just nod their head in thanks, or even just say thanks in English. They might as well have said, “Dude, you speak English and so do I. Stop trying to fool yourself.”
I noticed that when I wasn’t being curious, and was trying to fit in by using their words, it came off as disingenuous. It didn’t show that I was trying to learn about their culture in the short time I had there. It showed that I was pretending to understand it. By doing so, they had no interest in having good conversation.
I’m not saying it’s bad to practice though. The only way to get better at speaking another language is to use it more often. You just don’t want it to come off like you think you know it better than you do. There are some easy ways to accomplish this.
You could ask if you are pronouncing it correctly. You can say, “That’s the only way I know how to say the meal was good in Italian. Are there any other ways of saying it?”
Maybe even ask how you would say that the sauce was amazing. Whatever you want. But by doing this, you are saying, “My Italian sucks and I know it. Would you mind helping me make it slightly better?” This is vastly better than coming off as saying, “Look at me. I’m American and learned Italian. I’m awesome.” When in reality, you learned four words.
I made this mistake a few times. It makes having fun, genuine conversation that much harder. It’s definitely good to avoid this mistake and do the opposite.
Back to Reality
Before I finish, I want to say that it’s not always important or ideal to be social. Kim and I enjoyed many meals without trying to have conversations with other. We enjoyed doing things by ourselves. Sometimes you just want to be alone.
All of that is fine, even good. Being social is not always the best option. But when you want to be social, the better you are at it, the more enjoyable life can be.
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