In four days I am getting married to the love of my life. And while that will be the focus of my weekend, it is not the focus of this post. My groomsmen are.
As I was writing thank you cards for my groomsmen, I reflected back on those relationships and realized something.
If you want to learn how to meet new people and develop relationships into best friend-like companions, why not look into instances where that is exactly what happened?
Here are some insights I’ve learned through meeting some of my best friends:
1. Keep Meeting New People
No matter where you are in your life, it is always a good thing to keep meeting new people. If you are really busy, highly successful, love your life and don’t want to change it at all, then meeting people can be a small percentage of your time.
However, if that isn’t the case, consider putting more effort into finding unfamiliar faces. Even if you already have some good friends, that’s great! You can continue to develop those friendships.
But there are so many people in this world, some whom you would find utterly amazing. Some that, once you became friends with them, you’d wonder how you ever lived without them.
One of my groomsmen, Joachim, is a great example of this. When I first moved to Santa Fe, NM, I didn’t know anyone and knew I had to meet new people.
A couples month’s in, I had only met a few people and was feeling pretty lonely. When I was invited to a barbecue at 8:30 PM on a Monday night, I really didn’t want to go. I kept telling myself, “It’s late. I’m tired. I have work tomorrow. I don’t feel like talking to people I don’t know.”
But I really wanted to make some friends and decided this was potentially a good opportunity. Lo and behold, the people I met at this barbecue became the core of my social circle. And Joachim was one of them.
The main point: If you stop meeting new people, you cut off all chances of adding amazing people to your life. And you don’t have to give up your favorite people. You can keep those relationships while searching for new ones.
2. Keep Building Your Favorite Relationships
When I moved away from California – first to Vermont, then to Santa Fe – I walked away from the many friendships I built over the years. I learned that you can still maintain these bonds from a distance. But I also learned that they can quickly dwindle if you don’t nourish them.
Jeff, the best man in my upcoming wedding, did a great job of this. We stayed in touch from the get-go. He flew out to Santa Fe that first winter and we went on a snowboarding trip up to Colorado. A year and a half later we went on a trip to Costa Rica.
When I moved back to California, we continued our awesome friendship which thrives to this day.
I’ve known Jeff my whole life, and it would be easy for someone to say, “You guys were best friends. Of course you’re going to stay in touch.”
But that’s not true. Yes, we were very good friends going into my move. But I had a few other friends who I had similarly strong bonds with.
Unfortunately, I didn’t put the effort in and those relationships shrank enormously. I still have a lot of respect for them, and am actually trying to rebuild some connections currently. However, the relationships have taken a major hit because of this lack of nourishment.
The main point: Relationships are constantly in flux. They ebb and flow. Figure out which ones are important to you and put the time and energy into growing them deeper. Just because you have a good relationship doesn’t mean you can stop trying. You always have to feed it. In the end, the value a friendship provides can far exceed the energy needed to build it, so it’s definitely worth it.
3. Connect on Deep, Core Values
When you first meet and connect with someone, any shared commonalities will bring you two closer. The more you find, the closer you can become.
For example, when I first met Omar (the remaining groomsman) in college, we quickly realized that we had many things in common: we skated when we were younger and loved skate videos, we listened to the same bands, and we both had similar sarcastic humor.
But if you want to build an intense, best friend-like friendship, you need to connect on a much deeper level. I’m talking about the things that are extremely important to you. Some of my core values include:
- Being a man (or woman) of your word. When you say you are going to do something, do it.
- Being there to help your friends when they need it, even if you don’t want to at all.
- Being a fun person and having a good sense of humor.
- Pushing your friends to be the person they want to be, rather than holding them back. (This may seem obvious, but many “friends” laugh at their friends’ ideas and make fun of them because they want to do things that are different, which makes it hard for them to accomplish their true goals.)
Omar passes this test with flying colors. When he said he wanted to come to Huntington to meet my family and hometown friends, he meant it and came.
When we worked together, I had a deadline to complete a 50-page trading manual. It was my responsibility, but Omar stayed with me until 10:00 PM to help me get it in on time.
He’s the type of person you want to bring around your other friends because he’s fucking hilarious.
And even though he just moved to Australia a few months ago, he’s flying back just for the weekend to come to my wedding.
That, is a good friend. And it doesn’t even cover a fraction of his awesome qualities.
The main point: When trying to build best friend-like relationships, it’s an absolute must that you connect on your core values. And not all of your values have to be character-based like my example. If you and another person have a strong desire to be successful entrepreneurs, to protect endangered animals or to create amazing artwork, then you have the basis to build a great friendship. You just need to know what’s important to you and find people who share those values.
I’m a Lucky Person
I have to thank luck too. Jeff and I grew up two doors down from each other and our parents had us playing together while we were still in diapers. Omar happened to go to same college as me. Joachim chose to go to a Monday night barbecue.
But luck is only present when you take action. When you try to meet new people. When you put the effort in to build the relationship further. When you dig deep to find somebody’s core values.
I’m thankful for all the relationships in my life and I thoroughly enjoy reflecting, remembering and reminiscing all the details that brought them to where they are today.